Here in Portland, we have officially reached that magical time of year when summer starts packing its shit, the sun begins clocking out early, and the sky prepares to become one giant gray wet blanket for the next several months.
Yes, the rain is coming.
I know. Shocking development.
And every year, despite having lived through this exact same weather approximately 47,000 times, people wait until the first biblical downpour to discover their gutters are clogged, their downspouts don’t drain, their outdoor furniture is getting destroyed, and there’s apparently a small ecosystem growing on the north side of their house.
So before Portland turns into Portland again, there are a few things you should probably handle around the house.
Especially if you’re planning a Halloween party, having people over for football, hosting Thanksgiving in a few short weeks (crazy!!!), or generally allowing other humans to see how you live.
Clean Your Damn Gutters
Let’s start with the obvious one.
Your gutters have one job: take water off your roof and move it somewhere that isn’t inside your fucking house.
Unfortunately, gutters filled with leaves, pine needles, moss, tennis balls, dead bugs, and whatever other shit has been collecting up there aren’t particularly good at doing that.
Once the heavy rain starts, clogged gutters overflow. Water can run down siding, pool around your foundation, get behind fascia boards, and create moisture problems that are considerably more expensive than paying somebody to clean your gutters.
If you’ve got trees around your house, get up there and clean them out now or hire somebody who owns a ladder and has made better life choices.
While you’re at it, make sure your downspouts are actually connected and draining away from the foundation. Dumping hundreds of gallons of rainwater directly next to your house is generally frowned upon by houses.
Check Your Roof Before The Rain Finds The Problem For You
You don’t necessarily need to climb onto your roof like you’re auditioning for Jackass: Homeowner Edition.
Stand back and look.
Are shingles missing? Is flashing pulling away? Do you have giant patches of moss? Does anything look like it might become a problem once it’s wet for four consecutive months?
Portland roofs take a beating because moisture sticks around. A small roof issue in September can turn into the mysterious brown ceiling stain of January.
And nothing makes a Halloween party more festive than explaining to your guests why there’s a bucket in the hallway catching rainwater.
Deal With The Moss
Moss around here isn’t necessarily a sign that you’ve neglected your house. It’s practically our state plant.
But letting it completely take over your roof, walkways, stairs, driveway, or deck isn’t a great idea.
Aside from making everything look like an abandoned cabin where three teenagers disappeared in 1987, wet moss and algae can make walking surfaces slippery as hell.
Clean the walkways, steps, and front porch before Halloween. Because when you’ve got kids wearing masks sprinting toward your front door while carrying buckets of candy, you probably don’t want your moss-covered front step turning into a goddamn Slip ‘N Slide.
Get Water Away From The House
Walk around your property the next time it rains and actually pay attention to where the water goes.
You want water moving away from your foundation.
Check downspout extensions, drains, low spots, window wells, crawlspace vents, and anywhere water tends to collect. If you’ve got standing water right against the house after a storm, that’s something worth addressing before we get into the wettest part of the year.
Water is incredibly persistent. Give it enough time and a tiny opening and that bastard will eventually find a way into something expensive.
Check Your Crawlspace
Speaking of water going places it shouldn’t, fall is a great time to take a look underneath your house.
I realize crawling underneath your home sounds about as enjoyable as voluntarily entering a spider convention, but you don’t necessarily have to do it yourself.
What you’re looking for is moisture, standing water, damaged vapor barrier, disconnected ductwork, evidence of rodents, or anything else that makes you say, “Well… shit.”
Catching moisture early is considerably better than discovering it after you’ve developed mold, rot, or other problems underneath the house.
Seal Up The Drafty Shit
Before you start cranking the furnace and donating half your paycheck to the utility company, check your windows and exterior doors.
Worn weatherstripping and failing caulk are relatively cheap and easy fixes that can help keep cold air and moisture outside where they belong.
Run your hand around doors and windows on a cool morning. If you can feel cold air coming through, you’ve found something worth fixing.
This is one of those boring $20 homeowner projects that nobody gets excited about but actually makes a difference.
Service The Furnace Before Everybody Else Remembers They Own One
Every year the temperature drops and thousands of Portland homeowners simultaneously walk over to the thermostat and turn the heat on.
Then some of those furnaces make a noise that sounds like Satan clearing his throat.
Change your furnace filter now. Test the system. Make sure it’s heating properly. If it’s been a while since you’ve had it serviced, schedule that before HVAC companies get slammed with emergency calls on the first genuinely cold week.
While you’re doing your responsible-adult cosplay, test your smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors too.
Not sexy. Still important.
Put Away The Summer Shit
That patio furniture looked great in July.
By February, after sitting through approximately 93 consecutive days of moisture, it may look considerably less great.
Clean and cover outdoor furniture, put cushions somewhere dry, drain and store hoses, clean the barbecue, put away summer toys, and deal with anything else you’d rather not leave outside all winter.
Also, if you’ve got an irrigation system, now is the time to start thinking about shutting it down for the season.
You’ll thank yourself next spring when you’re not discovering everything you left outside has developed its own unique species of mildew.
Don’t Forget The Yard
Fall yard cleanup isn’t just about making the place look nice.
Trim branches that are touching the roof or hanging somewhere you don’t want them during a windstorm. Clear leaves away from drains. Keep debris from piling against siding. Clean up anything that could block water from getting where it’s supposed to go.
And for the love of God, don’t rake a giant pile of leaves directly over a storm drain and then act surprised when your street turns into Lake Oswego.
That’s not how we’re supposed to create waterfront property.
If You’re Hosting Halloween, Your Guests Are Going To Notice This Stuff
Here’s where doing all this boring homeowner shit suddenly pays off.
If you’re hosting a Halloween party, neighborhood get-together, or handing out candy, people are going to be walking up your driveway, climbing your steps, standing on your porch, and wandering around your house.
Clean the walkway. Get the moss off the steps. Replace burned-out exterior bulbs. Make sure railings aren’t loose. Sweep the porch. Clean up the landscaping. Check your exterior lighting.
Then throw up the fake spiderwebs, pumpkins, skeletons, severed heads, or whatever level of emotional trauma you’ve decided is appropriate for the neighborhood children.
A clean, well-maintained house actually makes Halloween decorations look better anyway.
There’s a difference between “creepy haunted house” and “I’m pretty sure this property has an active code violation.”
Aim for the first one.
The Boring Stuff Saves You Money
Here’s the bigger point.
Most home maintenance isn’t exciting.
Nobody has ever walked into a party and said, “Holy shit, Kevin, tell me more about your properly functioning downspout extensions.”
But these little maintenance items are exactly what prevent small problems from turning into expensive ones.
Cleaning gutters costs a hell of a lot less than repairing water damage. Replacing caulk costs less than repairing rot. Servicing a furnace costs less than replacing one because you ignored it until it died. Cleaning moss off a walkway costs less than your Halloween guest eating shit on the front steps and launching a pumpkin through your living room window.
And if you’re thinking about selling your house anytime in the next year or two, staying on top of this stuff matters even more.
Deferred maintenance has a nasty habit of piling up.
Then I show up for a listing appointment and instead of talking about photography, pricing, and how we’re going to market the house, we’re walking around making a $17,000 list of shit that should’ve been handled over the last five years.
That’s considerably less fun.
Kevin’s Take
Portland rain isn’t some unexpected natural disaster.
It’s coming. We know it’s coming. It comes every damn year.
So use these last relatively decent weeks to get outside, clean the gutters, check the roof, deal with the moss, clear the drains, inspect the crawlspace, seal up the house, service the furnace, and put away the summer stuff.
You don’t have to spend thousands of dollars or completely winterize your house like you’re preparing for an Arctic expedition.
Just handle the little shit before it becomes big shit.
Then when Halloween rolls around, you can concentrate on the important things: candy, costumes, cocktails, scaring neighborhood children, and pretending you didn’t already eat half the Reese’s you bought for trick-or-treaters.
And when the Portland rain finally shows up?
You can sit inside your warm, dry house listening to it come down instead of standing outside at 10:30 at night with a flashlight wondering why the fuck there’s water pouring over the side of your gutters.
That’s a win.
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